


Marco vs. the Forces of Stupid

by artaline



Category: Star vs. The Forces Of Evil
Genre: Gen, Insomnia, Kidnapping, Post-Season/Series 01, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Storm the Castle
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-04-25 18:34:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4971835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artaline/pseuds/artaline
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Marco Diaz and you have to conclude that magical princesses from another dimensions make great but dangerous friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Damage Assessment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your name is Marco Diaz and you are not a Safe Kid.  
> "I'm a misunderstood bad boy." That's a lie. But the truth is that you really are not a Safe Kid. You are not safe. You screwed up too many times to be safe.

Your name is Marco Diaz and you are not a Safe Kid.

"I'm a misunderstood bad boy." That's a lie. But the truth is that you really are not a Safe Kid. You are not safe. You screwed up too many times to be safe.

The first night after Star saved you was a blessing, because you fell asleep on the spot as soon as you got back home. That was the last time you were comfortable sleeping in your bed.

You always thought that only rich or stupid children get kidnapped. Everyone knows they shouldn't take a candy from a stranger. But nobody told you what to do, when you are kidnapped from your own bed by the monsters from another dimension.

You never considered Ludo's gang a threat. Well, at least while Star was around. As uncomfortable as the thought is, she is better than you at fighting. The monsters only come to Earth because Star is here. No one needs you. Haha. How wrong you were. And under the new command the monsters turned to be way more capable than you expected. You underestimated them. You seem to do that a lot.

It was awfully nice of Star to give up her wand for your life. But she shouldn't have had to do this. Not that you wanted to be crushed by the cage, but you weren't supposed to be captured in the first place. And now you have insomnia, because your bed is no longer safe and lying on your side feels claustrophobic.

Lately you've started coming into Star's room at night and making a show of falling asleep on the couch. Because this way there's a chance you actually will be able to fall asleep. Sometimes you wish you were a girl, so you could ask to sleep in her bed with her without it being awkward. It probably would still be awkward though.

Star and your parents seem to think that it's over now, but you aren't so sure. That guy... Toffee... He fully regenerated his arm only a few minutes after Star blasted it off. Earth lizards can only re-grow tails, but they spend weeks doing that (you looked that up). And they are way smaller than he was. He also saw Star hiding with you in a cage. And when the wand started the light show even the stupidest monsters realized they should run. Toffee seemed to be anything but stupid...

You name is Marco Diaz. You might be a liability but you intend to get control over your life back.


	2. Problem Formulation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your math teacher might be a troll, but that doesn't mean they do not care.

You tried drinking black coffee before classes but found out it makes your heart beat like crazy. You almost always seat in the first row, so you are miserable. Your lids are heavy and the clock hand barely moves. It's like Father Time decided to take a break once again. Time Hamsters are rolling around in the mud and then run all over you homework. They shouldn't, Skullnick won't like that at all...

The ringing of the bell wakes you up. Everyone is jumping from their places. You really hope nobody saw that you were sleeping in class. Star ran off to talk to one of her friends and as you get up Skullnick suddenly says:

"Diaz, stay."

Your heart sinks.

"Yes, Miss Skullnick."

 The class is empty now. She's way too big for her old table, which next to her looks like it was made for a child.

"Diaz, your grade dropped 5% in the last two weeks".

"Actually I checked and it was 4.5%..."

"Stop blabbing. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Nothing," you squeak.

"Why are you falling asleep in my class? I saw you. It's hard to miss when student's head hits the desk with a thud. You might wanna go to nurse about that."

"...I can't sleep at home."

_Big sweaty hands cover your face making it hard to breathe_

"Why?"

"That's... private."

"Do I need to call you parents, the headmaster? School psychologist, perhaps?"

"Please, don't." You do not want to involve your parents; they'll be worried sick about you. You considered talking to a psychologist, but you do not need everyone at school to know you're crazy. You tried calling PTSD hotlines, but when you started telling them about being kidnapped by the monsters from another dimension, they thought it was a prank call.

"... Diaz, you've got problems - you need help. Don't waste time - get help."

"Miss Skullnick, I do not want to talk about what happened."

"Were you hurt?"

_The cage presses you into the ground while you're trying to figure out what would break first: your shoulder or your pelvis_

"No! That's about magic..."

She skeptically looks at you though her half-round glasses. Huh, you never considered that, but Skullnick is one of the few people who can relate. She was freaking out when Star first turned her into a troll, but now she kind of rocks it, and you... you are a mess.

"I... was kidnapped from my bedroom... by a gang of... monsters. And now I do not feel safe sleeping there."

"Can you sleep somewhere else?"

_Star's room_

"No."

"Well, then go and make sleeping there safe."

"But how?!"

"How do I know? Figure out how they got in, make sure it never happens again!"

That... That actually sounds like a good advice. Even if it won't help with insomnia, it's just necessary to make sure that they won't be able to do this again.

"... Okay? I-I'll try!"

"Good. Now go. Don't forget to visit the nurse too."

At the door you stop.

"Miss Skullnick, could I ask you not to tell anyone?"

"I have no idea what are you talking about."

"Thank you, Miss Skullnick!"

"Go already!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I write in those really short burst, sorry. Also Marco is a bit slow, but that's just cause he hadn't had enough sleep. Also I have very approximate understanding of US grading system, sorry if that's unrealistic.


	3. Occam Scissors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some answers might turn out to be to sharp to handle.

Luckily, you aren't falling asleep anymore, but you hardly pay attention to classes. How did they got in? It was getting late, your parents were in the living room, so monsters couldn't have come in through the door unannounced. Of course mom and dad can get a bit distracted... but the monsters are rather clumsy. Probably the sneakiest one is that Fly monster, who seemed to be aiming for Toffee's right hand position, hm...

Wait a second.

When Star scraped that stupid sandwich from the wall she said something about flies. Could it be? Were monsters already in the house? Did they got in while you were absent? But you haven't seen any trails inside the house. And you are pretty sure there were at least three monsters. You heard them talking in hushed voices before you passed out from the lack of oxygen. And these guys were big, strong ones, to make sure you won't get away.

Your mind is running in circles. You can't remember anything else and it's not like you can gather more evidence. Well, you could ask your neighbors if they saw anyone unfamiliar trying to get in... Though, you fought Ludo's gang so often in the last couple of months that the monsters on your street can hardly be called unfamiliar. You should have done this sooner: talk to people, look for any signs of break in. It's been two weeks and anything you could find is already washed, forgotten or destroyed by laser puppies.

"Hey, Marco! Oh, what happened to you?" Star barely avoids squaring you in a face as she tries to take a better look at the bandage. While being all graceful and princessy. How she does that you have no idea.

"I fell asleep during Math... face first onto the desk."

"Really? I haven't noticed. I was drawing this picture of me and Oskar. Look!"

"Great..." you hardly look at it "So, you weren't paying attention again?"

"Marco, Math is boring! I try very hard, it just doesn't work for me."

You were planning to help Star with her Math homework for ages now, but with all the adventures you never got to do it. And now you're falling behind yourself. Just great.

"Um, Marco, let's go somewhere today?" She looks so hopeful, you can't say no.

"Sure. Where do you wanna go? Movies?"

"Uh, no, I actually thought about going somewhere, you know... another dimension? Amethyst Arcade maybe? I heard they finished fixing it." She looks a bit sheepish.

Yeah, finished fixing it after the last time you visited. That time Princess Pony Head wrecked the whole thing before going to "princess jail". You think Saint Olga's Reform School for Wayward Princesses isn't a good place for anyone, but the threats to send Star where seem especially unfair to you. Sure Star can be a bit disorganized and destructive, but unlike Pony Head or Smooshy it's not because she means to.

"I... guess we could. Why not?"

"Really? Great! Oh, and Marco, I constantly forget to give them to you... Here! Take this." She gives you scissors. You fumble a bit, trying to get a better look. They are a bit small, with zigzagish blades and a skull on the handle. They are actually kind of cool.

"Those are?.."

"Ludo's!" You have to fight the urge to run to the bathroom to wash you hands. Monsters have some weird ideas about hygiene. "Remember when I threw him into the rift? I still have those. And I thought about that time when Pony Head left you behind... I want you to be able to get home by yourself if anything happens."

"Oh, that is a good idea! Thank you, Star! Wait, did you just said get home?.."

You cannot believe this. How could you be so stupid? You saw them in action so many times! You even used them yourself.

"Marco, are you okay?"

No, you are not okay, you desperately need more air. This whole time anyone with dimensional scissors could easily kill Star, you and your family and get the wand.

"That's how they got in! How they came into the house! The-the monsters! They just opened the rift inside!"

"Oh, Marco, don't be silly, of course not!" What? That's not the reaction you expected from her.

"Why are you so sure? Did you do some kind of a spell or..."

"Because that's very rude!"

"Star, are you kidding me right now?"

"No! It is extremely rude! Nobody does that. You can't just open the rift in the middle of someone's living room!"

"But, Star! That's how they got in! Otherwise someone would have noticed them!" Star scoffs. "Oh, and that elephant-goblin princess who tried to steal you face! She did the same! Can't you see?"

Star looks a bit shaken now. She's clutching the wand a bit too hard.

"Well, okay. Maybe. I don't know. It's still rude!"

Now you know how they got in, but how do you stop the monsters from coming back?

"Star, remember in Saint O's there were..."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Right. You wait a moment until she's finished.

"There were those wards which blocked dimensional scissors. Can we do something like that at home?"

"Hmm, well, they are usually madefor big castles... And require a lot magical energy and -and design, you know? Like that fancy karate thing you told me about?"

"Feng shui?"

"Yeah, that!"

"Star, it's not karate! It's not even Japanese..."

"Anyway, I think I could look for something in the Magic Instruction Book... or we could go to Quest Buy again..."

"Or you could ask your parents to buy one for you? Aren't they royals?"

"Oh, yeah, I think I can ask them! Why not?" She looks thoughtful. "I think Mom might even like that! How responsible I am about our safety." She completely fails to mimic her mother's solemn face. "And now, to the Amethyst Arcade!"

For the first time in these past weeks you feel like you've accomplished something. Maybe you could use a small celebration.


	4. Cultural Differences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now you are thinking with portals. Rifts. You meant rifts.

Next couple of hours you and Star hang out in the Amethyst Arcade. You are surprised to discover that despite spending here a lot of time the cubes are pretty mediocre players. May be being a 3-dimensional being pays out? Your hair sticks to your forehead, and your hoodie is all soaked with sweat and gross but you feel surprisingly great. And tomorrow's Saturday, so there's no need to struggle though morning classes. When Star takes out her scissors to make the rift you stop her.

"Hey, can I do that? I have an idea." You saw something like that in one of the games you were playing and it got you thinking.

"Yeah, okay." Star looks at you curiously. You take out your new scissors and stop.

"Can you make some sort of cushion spell?" Star got the wand from her mom a couple of days ago and seems pretty enthusiastic to use it and see if there's any difference.

"Sure!"

"Do it when we jump, alright?" You make a horizontal cut and a rift opens on the floor. She grabs your hand.

"On three. One, two,.."

"THREE!" And you jump inside. "Mushroom Cushion Charm!" A stream of magic surges from the wand as you're falling down from the height of your house roof. You land on a patch of soft rubbery mushrooms and see how the rift closes above you.

"WOW! That was so cool! We should do this more often! Can you do it higher next time?"

"Uh, yeah, maybe..." You expected the out of the rift to be a lot lower. Like maybe a meter... and a half at max? Good thing you asked Star for safety spell. But experimenting without proper training on normal rifts was kind of stupid. You made them a couple of times, but never with those scissors. Now you wonder if they should be calibrated when transferred from person to person.

Star is already jumping off the mushroom thingy. You follow her into the house and grab a bowl of snacks on the way to her room.

"Oh, Marco, for a boy you are so great at that stuff!"

"Thanks..." But you really didn't think this through. What if Star just did a couple of normal cushions? What if the spell came too late? You could have been seriously injured... Wait what?

"That stuff?"

"You know, magic! Like rifts and all that. I never saw anyone make a horizontal rift before!"

"And what did 'for a boy' mean?"

"Well, the girls usually are much better at that! Boys fight, and girls are great at politics, strategy and magic."

"And you are..."

"I'm great at all of that! But I was born to lead, remember? Mom trained me with the wand from early childhood. She was busy, but she always managed to find some time for me. And she assigned the royal guard to babysit me, so now I can also fight!"

Well, now that you're thinking about it... Glossaryck said that the book was only meant for princesses. And all that pressure the Queen puts on Star to be a perfect princess... Even to the point of threatening to send her to St. Olga's.

"Wait, Star, are you saying that the crown is transferred only through the female line?"

"Yeah, how else?"

"I don't know, through male line?"

"Whaaat? No way. Men are bad at politics! I mean, that's just nature!"

"But... your father?"

"Is a holder of the royal crest. He meets people and resolves minor conflicts. But big politics? No way. Have you seen him? He burned the Chibi Golf because he thought some elf looked at mom the wrong way! Don't get me wrong, dad is great, but he's no ruler. Mom IS."

"And the fact that you fight monsters isn't a problem?"

"Uh, why would it be? Monsters are monsters. It's honorable to fight them. I've been fighting monsters since childhood! Me and Pony Head had so much fun together! Once we stole a chest of gold from the monsters and gave it all to the poor! Like your Earth hero Robin Good!"

"It's Robin Hood... But are you sure they were evil?"

"Of course, they were! They were robbing people who were going through the forest."

"How is that different from what you did? What if they were doing the same thing, only they were giving money to their poor?"

"They had tons of gold, no way they were giving it out."

"Fine, but how are you so sure that all of them are evil?"

"Well, some are a bit better than the others. Just like some Mewmans are sometimes worse than the others. Don't you get it, Marco? They want to destroy Mewni. Ludo, Toffee... They are all the same."

"But what about Skullnick? What about Buff Frog?"

"Well, Skullnick is basically a human and Buff Frog... um... Well, maybe there are some exceptions? Though we haven't seen him since... you know."

"Yeah..."

You're drained. How did it happen that you are trying to defend monsters? This whole conversation feels completely wrong. You understand what Star says, but none of it makes sense. In a magical kingdom only girls get to rule? Boys can't do magic? Monsters are conveniently evil, like some NPCs for the heroes to beat. And Mewnipendance day reenactment was a disaster. 'Monsters' hardly had any weapons, while 'Mewmans' could hardly move in their heavy armor. And come to think of it, you and Star, two kids, were able to beat Ludo's gang numerous times.

"You know, Star, it's getting pretty late, maybe I should go?"

"Um, sure. You're probably tired? You should sleep more, Marco."

Yeah, you definitely should.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today I suddenly was inspired to name the chapters, so they are no longer faceless. Something exciting is coming up next chapter so stay tuned.


	5. Experimental Approach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Investigation is a serious business. You better wear a suit.

You should sleep more, but you're not going too. Being awake is better than the misery of trying to fall asleep at this point. You realize that you also forgot to remind Star to ask her parents for the scissors blocker.

It's almost disappointing that Star destroyed the tower so fast you never got to see what it looks like. The commercial they showed you when you got to St. O's stated that it was impossible to run away from there and yet... The fact that you and Star got away is not surprising, but the Princess Smooshy (you read the name in the newspaper she left in your house) somehow managed to do the same even without the wand. She either is smarter than she looks, or she had some sort of outside help. You wonder if they installed the new blocker.

Scissors that Star gave you are smallish compared to the ones she got from Pony Head. You make a swish cutting the air from top to bottom. The rift forms, only instead of your locker you see math class. The rift also creates some sort of a tube which sustains the gravity of its outs. You just flew though one yourself and you saw how the monsters sometimes got inside that thing. It doesn't look too spacious, but whole Ludo's gang was able to fit in. Ludo had to jump pretty high to make the rift, but still.

That rift closes while you think. You try making another one to the outside of the house. That seems to work a bit better, as you are facing a familiar cactus now. Your phone stopwatch shows that it closes after about 5 seconds. You take one of your wood planks for karate practice and put it inside the new rift. It stays open for about half a minute, after which it spits the plank back at you before closing. You wonder it it's gonna leave a bruise. You consider repeating an experiment with your hand inside the rift.

The glass is closing around your arm. The edge is not sharp, but it's presses into your skin with frightening force. At what feels like the last moment you tug your arm inside and you are trapped once again.

If only you came out as soon as Star broke the glass. Star did something great to save you and you completely wasted it by being too slow. And then she had to give up her wand... Toffee almost won. Sure, Star somehow got the new wand, but you both have no idea how and why did it happen.

You make another swish with the scissors and suddenly you see the familiar landscape. The blackened cube stands under the dark sky. The hanger is still there and the red tie sways in the wind. You walk through the rift. Your PJs look ridiculous here, but there's no one around to see. You're not sure what season or time of day it is on Mewni, but it's cold. You should have taken your hoodie with you. Maybe you should go back...

What did you even came here for? The explosion destroyed everything. Well, except for the hanger, jacket, tie and the cage. The cage is not surprising, but all that other stuff doesn't make any sense. It also doesn't make sense for anyone to take off clothes which can withstand an explosion. You take the tie and try to rip it, but no luck. Wait, you have scissors. A small piece of the cloth falls down when you make a cut, but you also see a small rift in which leads hell knows where. You close it with a backward motion and decide that it's better to use normal scissors. You yank the jacket of the hanger half expecting some sort of disaster, but nothing happens. You're starting to freeze. Well, you might as well put it on. It feels weird. The jacket is too big, but sort of comfy. You probably look stupid, though. The pockets are still sewn in. Lawyers.

You walk around the cage. It's all covered in grime, so you can hardly see inside. Hm, you just noticed that there are crystals installed into the corners. 5 minutes and one dirty remains of the tie later you are pretty sure that the crystal looks... Just like the ones which grew out of the ground around the new wand?

You get up and go to the crater left by the wand when it fell. Now you are pretty sure it's the same stuff. But the one in the middle had the wand. You want to cam down, but the crystals stand pretty close to each other.  You have to circle the crater to find an opening. As you are about to give up and make a rift to the inside of the crater you notice something weird. One of the crystals seems to be more greenish. You go closer to investigate and... What's that? It's green but you instantly recognize the shape. It looks exactly like the empty half of Star's new wand. Good thing you found it, who knows what could have happened otherwise. You reach out and grab the shard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My writing is so slow T_T. I have all these cool ideas but ugh. I also have the urge to edit everything I've already wrote but it would mean I won't be going forward. Writing is pain.


	6. Determining Limits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magic Wands 101

Your consciousness returns with a reminder that the world is cruel. You lay on your back and a sharp stone uncomfortably presses into your spine. Also your throat hurts. You screamed?

_Your right hand is completely engulfed in green fire. It's roasting from the inside and you think you're gonna die._

The overall impression is that you are still alive. You try moving your fingers and they begrudgingly obey.

"So, you're alive." Your eyes snap open and you see a tall grey figure towering above you. You swiftly roll on your side and try to get up.

"If I were you I wouldn't do that." You didn't even needed to see, the voice is all to familiar. Your whole body screams at you, but you're already set into motion. You're going to punch that bastard in the face.

"You want to fight me? I assure you, it is useless." Oh, no, you're not tied up and the cage is pretty far. Try dodging that without any of the mind tricks.

But there's just no impact. Your fist goes right through the smug lizard face and you are hitting the ground hard.

"Look, this whole situation is unfortunate for us both. Can we skip the boring part and go to civil conversation?"

You turn around. He's still stands in the same place. Which means that he stands directly above you. His feet are lost somewhere inside of your torso. It looks like a bizarre videogame bug only in real life. You wave your hand through his knees.

"Could you not?" Toffee walks to the side. His shirt is still missing a sleeve.

"Why are you like that?"

"A series of unexpected outcomes, curiosity and bad choices. In short: I didn't want to die... But strictly speaking I'm not alive now."

"What do you mean?"

"It's a simulation. An imprint created by the wand. The guys who created it thought that it's a good idea to store the copy of the last wand owner inside. In case the wand isn't passed directly, so the next one could use them as a guide. I think we just proved this was a terrible idea."

"But Star is the last owner."

"Wrong. The owner is recognized by touch. You couldn't see that, but I was the last one to touch the wand before explosion."

"You knew this would happen?"

"I didn't. Well, I had a theory, but I wasn't sure. Something like that happened about eight hundred years ago, only they thought that was the ghost of the last queen. Idiots. My turn to ask questions. Where's Star? Where's the wand? And... is that my jacket?"

"I don't have to tell you."

"You don't, but it doesn't matter. The fact that you see me means you're the next owner of the wand. Unless you give it up, I'm bound to you... until you die? I'm not sure about that, but seems most probable. Cooperation would be the most rational choice for both of us. So, where's Star?"

"I still don't trust you."

"Good. Means you're not as stupid as you look. Now, talk."

"What do you mean by bound?"

"Ugh, fine, you could call that a brain ghost. As far as I can tell, I am a thought process with gestures and facial expressions. I also have the dubious benefit of your senses. And I can't go farther than..."

Toffee disappears and reappears a bit further away. This repeats a couple of times until his body is just flickering in place.

"I'd say that's about 30 meters." He's still far away, but the voice has the same volume as when he was standing right here. You make a couple of steps away and his image is dragged after you.

"Rude."

"I needed to check that wasn't a trick. Can you read my thoughts?"

"No. Otherwise I wouldn't need information from you."

"Or you are lying. I'll have to make my friends look up anything that could check that. But, for now it'll do. Star's at home with the wand."

"But..." Toffee actually looks surprised at that.

"I came here and found a bit of the wand. It probably got lost in the explosion."

"So the wand split... Damn. And where's shard now?"

"I have no idea. I just took it and the next thing I know my hand is on fire."

You wave your hand at him and notice some sort of a sign on the back of your hand. Looks like a... sun? It's surrounded by some sort of vines. Toffee takes a look at it as well.

"What did she do to you?"

"Who?"

"Star, who else? Humans are neutral magical subjects. They are not affected by magic unless it's directly applied to them. So, why aren't you neutral?"

You took the shard with your right hand... oh, Monster Arm.

"I broke my arm. Star tried curing that, but accidentally summoned some sort of tentacle monster." So, these aren't vines then.

"I see. Well, you really are stuck with me, aren't you? You won't be giving up that shard anytime soon."

"And why is that?"

"Look, um, Marco. The main part of the wand - the core - is a magical crystal. By itself it's stable, but when you release magic... you might blow up. To avoid that people hooked up a ponyhorn drive to it, which balances out the swings in magical energy. Sort of. There's also a bunch of utility spells which were cast for practical reasons. And you took the raw crystal shard with your cursed arm. My guess, which is usually correct, is that it's now absorbed inside you, and the arm works as an interface... So, unless you want to cut it off, we're stuck. Also, I wouldn't recommend using it for magic like Star. Or at all. There's no stabilizer, so you might explode, which would be very unfortunate for us both."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The thing about humans being neutral magical subjects comes from the fact that unlike Lobster Claws (or Ludo's dreams) none of the humans (mewmans?) change their body appearance after touching the wand.


	7. Performance Review

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tell your friends about your imaginary friend, they won't judge

You drop the jacket on the floor in your perfectly organized wardrobe. Your companion just rolls his eyes. It's not the best idea considering your situation but you kinda want to get a rise out of him. Only now after you got home you realize that you are tense and tired. Your eyelids are like sandpaper, but you cannot afford to fall asleep just yet.

You can't help but think about a story Alfonzo once gave you to read, where the main character had two personalities, one of which took over the body while the other was sleeping. You liked it quite a lot back then. Now it doesn't sound all that cool. You brought an enemy to the house and you need to decide what to do about this.

You take a look at the sign on your hand. The shard is stuck inside of you. What are the chances Star's parents would want to remove it? Can you even trust your hand now? It seemed fine before but this sign means that Monster Arm is still in there somewhere. Less than a year passed since you first met Star and you already have two monstrosities stuck inside your hand. It's like you have a special talent or something. At least this one doesn't want to feast on anyone's bowels. Probably.

Toffee walks around the room and looks at your stuff. He stops by the dresser to take a look at the books. It's just karate and your textbooks but it still feels too invasive. You almost stop him but it turns out you don't have to. His hand goes right through one as he tries to pick it up. He turns to see if you saw the failure and makes a face at you when he realizes you did. You never had a lot of experience with lizards, but you are sure Earth reptiles are not this expressive. Well, at least you're not the only one who's uncomfortable.

What are your options exactly? You need everyone to be safe. Currently there's only one person in the house who can actually help you. And her parents might want to chop you hand off once they know that you've got a shard stuck in it. But then again, keeping a murderous arm might not be the best idea.

It's almost 4 am when you knock on Star's door. She doesn't answer so you let yourself in. She's mumbling in her sleep but at least she's not sleepspelling right away, so your Toffee situation can't be too bad.

"Star?.. Hey, Star, wake up!" You gently shake her by the shoulder and hope she won't clock you in the face. Another bruise is the last thing you need at the moment.

"Who!.. who's there?" She abruptly seats up. "Marco! What are you doing here?"

"Look, Star, there's something I need to tell you about."

She's yawning throughout your whole story but seems to listen attentively. Finally she looks at your hand and then says:

"Hm, you know, Marco, he never touched the wand. Even when I gave it to him. So why did he during the explosion?"

You turn to Toffee who tries to sit but actually hovers over the couch. You wonder how did he even sit before with that tail.

"Yeah, actually..."

"I heard her question. Can you wish her to see me? Unlikely that would work but it doesn't hurt to try and it could save us time."

You consider this. If Star could hear him the chances that he can get away with lying about Mewni and magic would be smaller.

"I want Star to see you."

You do not feel any difference, so now you turn to Star. She looks directly at the couch.

"Huh, I see him."

"Hmm, that's nice to know. To answer your question..."

"I see him talking, but I can't hear him."

"Ugh, you said 'see'"

"I did, but so did you. Okay, I wish Star to hear you as well." Both of you turn to Star.

"So, why did you touch the wand?" she asks.

"The correct question is not why I did, but why I didn't before. As I already told Marco, I expected it to create a copy of myself which would appear when someone will pick up the wand. Or in this case the shard. There was a story when the previous Queen wasn't able to pass the wand to her daughter and then was able to talk to dead Queen's 'spirit'. If it keeps the copies of the last person, how do you know it doesn't store a conglomerate of all the previous owners somewhere? I personally have zero ambition to be trapped together with the past Mewni queens. However, the explosion was not part of the plan so I had to improvise."

You are trying to remember if you ever touched the wand. Forever dooming your 14-year-old-self to the company of senior ladies from another dimension doesn't exactly sound like good times.

"Why didn't you just run away like all the others?"

"I don't know how much do you know about regeneration, but I couldn't. I just grew back an arm and I was too exhausted to even try."

He did get up with some difficulty from the floor then. And growing back like one sixth of the body with all the bones, muscles and tissues... Well, that does seem somewhat plausible.

"Hmm, what about Lobster Claws? And Ludo? They both held the wand as well. Why didn't they see copies of Star?"

"Who's Lobster Claws?"

"One of Ludo's minions. But no, Marco, both of them just snatched the wand from my hands."

"Just like that? Anyone can walk up to you and take it? I'm surprised the universe is still intact. I don't know what the hell they are thinking, giving mass destruction weapon to children."

"And what am I supposed to do? Hide it? I need it!"

"Um, Star, I think he's sort of right. Not that you need to hide the wand, but can't you change it a bit? Turn it into something you can't just drop... like a bracelet, for example?"

"A bracelet... No, bracelet is difficult to use in battle, but maybe..."

The room explodes in a flash of light and when you finally are able to see there's a pink fingerless glove on her right hand.

"You like that?" She's beaming at you.

"Yeah, it looks nice! And functional. Good job, Star!" You haven't even considered the question of using the wand in battle and Star came up with design in just a few moments. Maybe she's right about girls being more proficient in magic.

"Thank you, Marco! So, why exactly did you wake me up? Not that I'm complaining, but couldn't it wait until morning?"

"Star, I don't trust him. And I don't want anything bad to happen to you or Mom and Dad. So, I need someone to watch me while I sleep in case he hijacks my body or something."

"I can't do that." Toffee crosses his arms over his chest.

"I won't believe that until you prove it and I can't think of any way you could."

"Well, Marco, I guess you can sleep in my room, at least until we figure out what to do next... Wait. You know what? I think I got this. GOOD NIGHT SLEEP OWL!"

A big purple puffy owl is now sitting on the top of Star's bed. Toffee looks at it weirdly.

"Could you make one for mom and dad, at least until the scissors blocker is installed?"

"Tramorfidian crystal? Huh, you are learning." Toffee huffs.

"There's no need, Marco, this cutie will report anything suspicious to me. Also I asked Mom about the crystal and she said they'll try to do it as soon as possible."

"Thanks, Star! You're the best." You yawn and head back to your room. If there's the Owl, there's no need to stay in Star's room.

"And where are you going? Don't you want to sleep?" Star looks at you curiously.

"Well, I thought... I just need my pillow and blanket. I'll be back soon." You smile and rush to your room to get your stuff. You're so glad you and Star are friends.


	8. Friendship Aneurism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco and friends are solving some immediate problems using a printer.

You were ready for many reactions but not that.

"Hm, prehensile tail? Cool!" Ferguson is waving his hands though the tail with reckless abandon.

"Oh my god, I can't believe I met an actual AI! Even though it's a copy of a morally ambiguous lizard person run by magical crystal. Still I expected this to happen at least 15 years later, cause with current development of technology a full blown intelligence would be premature… That's just incredible. " You wouldn't call that 'incredible', more like 'reckless' or 'dangerous'. Also since when Alfonzo calls kidnapping and blackmailing morally ambiguous?

Toffee is gritting his teeth and Star looks at the scene with endless glee.

"Aw, Marco, isn't that just adorable? I should have taken my photoeye with me." You are pretty sure human technology won't capture Toffee at all, but mewni's magic powered lens might with some gentle persuasion.

"Okay, guys, I need your attention for a sec."

Your friends leave Toffee alone and you think you catch something akin to gratitude in his expression. You could choose not to make him visible for Alfonzo and Ferguson, but the straightforward communication might be needed for what you want to do. You are not sure how, but if anyone can come up with some crazy plan which might work in this case it's probably your friends.

"So, guys, I have zero reasons to trust this guy, but he's powered through the thing which is stuck in my hand. And according to him there are no way it can be removed without chopping off my hand. After the incident with… Monster Arm I want to know for sure if anyone is controlling me in any way. So, first of all, if you think I am behaving weirdly assume the worst. And second, if you can come up with any way to test if this guy is reading my thoughts here I would prefer you to do that."

"Hm, and what do you expect us to do if you're being weird? Like, come on, you are pretty weird by yourself, and you gonna be the first freaking out if we're wrong." This whole sentence was told by Ferguson's belly and you feel the wave of second hand embarrassment.

"I am not weird, I'm quirky at worst."

"The helmet in the shower?" asks Alfonzo. The traitor.

"You won't ever let it go, would you?"

"That's what friends are for."

***

An hour and a half of tomfoolery later they are actually starting to think about the problem at hand.

"How about CT scan?" Ferguson proposes. You doubt he knows for sure what that is.

"Do you have the scanner? And how do you think it would work? Hello, my name's Marco, could you check if the brainwaves from my hand are interfering with my head?" You're starting to lose your patience. "Focus, please, we need something we can do without putting me into an asylum"

"Hm, Ferguson might have a point, actually. Star do you have anything like that at Mewni? To check if someone is controlling someone else's mind?" Alfonzo is fixing his glasses with his index finger. You guess he tries to look like some anime character.

"Um, not really. No. There are some trinkets which are supposed to protect people, but that's usually a scam."

"Okay, but could you use your wand in some way to check that, Star?"

"Uh, I don't think that would be a good idea, Alfonzo." Star's biting her glove now. Old habits die hard.

"It most certainly wouldn't." Toffee spoke for the first time in a long time and you almost forgot he even was there. "Star already compromised his human neutrality status once. Now that he has a shard any additional magic applied to him might tip the scales in favor of whatever she imbued his hand with. I personally prefer not to deal with demon parasites."

You feel the shiver crawling down your spine. So it might be back if you're not careful enough. Your head feels heavy, you slept until 12 today but considering the time you and Star went to sleep it wasn't really helpful. You take a look at Star. She seems to be kind of curled on herself. Does she feel guilty because of what happened?

"Um, mister… Toffee? What exactly can you do, actually? If you're a simulation. You can hear and see us, but can you, like, touch anything?" Ferguson is tipping his head to the side.

"I can't, unfortunately, no. My perception is limited by Marco's human abilities. Which means I see way less colors than I'm used to." You think you read that some lizards are able to see the UV. "The hearing is fine. I can feel the structures by touch, but can't interact with them."

"Do you feel warmth? Or cold?" you ask.

"I think I can perceive it, but it doesn't affect me now since I'm lacking physical body. Though, I guess, I might feel the discomfort if you feel it. Hmm… that probably means that I do not have to hibernate in winter. This is… nice?" Toffee looks a bit surprised.

"If his perception is limited to Marco's it wouldn't be too far off to say he can't hear your thoughts, Marco" said Alfonzono.

"Or he's lying."

"I know, but we have to start somewhere. I'm not saying it's a definite proof. Without technology we won't ever be convinced, but we can do simple tests. Like, what's the working hypothesis here? He can hear your thoughts, right?"

"Um, yes?" you provide.

"So, if he does, how would that affect his perception? I think in a stream of words and images, so if anyone was hearing that, it would be like a constant stream of talking more or less. Which is pretty annoying and hinders my own focus." Alfonzo might have a point.

"Oh, I think most of the people would be grossed out by my thoughts. Try thinking about something weird and see if he is?" Sometimes Ferguson is too creative for your liking.

"Actually you know what, Marco, I think I have an idea. There's this trick which is not easy to do by itself, but with a constant stream of somebody else's thoughts it should be almost impossible. Gimme a sec." Alfonzo is googling something pretty quick. "Yeah, okay. It's called the Stroop effect. It works like that. We have words which mean colors printed in different color. First, we'll have him identifying the colors of the words from the page as it is. Second, he'll do the same thing by you will be thinking about the words which are written on the page. And we'll measure the time it takes him to get to the bottom of the page and the number of mistakes. If it's differs significantly, we'll have our evidence he can hear your thoughts. Otherwise… well, not."

"That doesn't take some nuances into account, like adaptation or possible ability to shut down Marco's stream of consciousness, but in our circumstances... sounds unexpectedly smart," Toffee bows his head lightly.

"We can do multiple tests on several days to average out," you chime in. "But Alfonzo's right, we have to start somewhere." And you can try Ferguson's gross proposition later as well.

"Cool, let's do that!" Star, ever eager for action springs on her feet. Your friends are cool but they are also nerds and you are glad it is so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to rewrite half this chapter as I realized characters started discussing something completely different. But that bit might resurface later, who knows.
> 
> Check out the [Stroop effect](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stroop_effect). It's kinda cool.


End file.
